Significant achievements of MICE WITH GLASSES
The following are what the Mice see as their most significant achievements to date as a band. We are justly proud of these and would now like to share them with our public.
1) The sheer musical power of the band caused a lady to take off her top (and occasionally her bottom) while dancing in front of Dangermouse IN THE POURING RAIN.
2) A total stage black-out was achieved when Dangermouse mischievously PLACED A PEPPER POT IN A LIGHT BULB HOLDER.
3) Improvisional jazz chords have been played by ALL band musicians. This includes some chords THAT WERE PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN.
4) Complete separation was achieved between the band car and band trailer when on a roundabout IN LIGHT DRIZZLE.
5) The rhythm section are proud to have consumed 1540 SAUSAGE ROLLS and 784 VOL-AU-VENTS from the numerous buffets provided.
6) Through his haunting vocals, Dangermouse HYNOTISED A YOUNG JAPANESE COUPLE who remained dancing in front of him for the whole gig ALONE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
7) As a band we are proud to have kept at least two kebab houses in business through a DOUBLE-DIP RECESSION.
8) While playing out of the back of a lorry in Dorset, the movement was such that it replicated an 8.3 earthquake. BUT STILL THE BAND PLAYED ON.
9) On one occasion (only one mind), the driving groove laid down by the rhythm section, caused two women to penetrate the front-man/guitarist line and ACTUALLY APPROACH THE RHYTHM SECTION IN PERSON. Sadly, upon noticing our combined age, they were repelled back to the front-line BUT THEY DID GET THROUGH.
10) The band are proud to say that we did perform at a Girls Grammar school WITHOUT THE BASS PLAYER FAINTING.
11) The band have had WOMEN DANCING in the headlights of our reversing vehicles in the pub car park (possibly celebrating us leaving – but we prefer to interpret this as “the party didn’t stop until the Mice literally left the premises”).
12) The band are proud to have owned (and used) a smoke machine (a machine that actually makes actual smoke). Furthermore, our bass player has contributed to stage effects by ACTUALLY SETTING FIRE TO HIS OWN AMP, Hendrix style.
13) On one occasion, The Mice played to a grand total of 12 people, the most enthusiastic (in fact, only) dancer suffering from PROFOUND DEAFNESS (which is the preferred way to listen to us).
14) An improvised wooden stage extension projected into the crowd almost invisibly and caused numerous members of the audience to TRIP AND FALL HEAVILY AND AMUSINGLY.
15) The whole band are proud to have been recognised OUTSIDE A CHIP SHOP. Dangermouse has since gone global, being recognised in MOST RETAIL OUTLETS IN HERTFORDSHIRE.
16) The whole band has signed an ELDERLY SLOVAKIAN GENTLEMAN’S FOREARM.
17) The sheer musical power of the band (coupled with the power of alcohol) caused a lone young lady to faint on the dance floor DURING OUR FIRST SONG.
18) We are all proud to have put our lives on the line for our music in the aptly named “Death Seat” in the back of our old roadie’s van (basically a deck chair surrounded by HEAVY UNSTABLE EQUIPMENT).
19) The drummer is proud that, on forgetting all his cymbals, he was prepared to play LARGE CIRCULAR TUPPERWARE LIDS INSTEAD. Fortunately, three drummers were located on the premises and real cymbals were provided.
20) Dangermouse and Mickey are proud to have developed a Babe Locating System (BLS) that, by a system of triangulation, can locate and track the person MORE ACCURATELY THAN A GPS SYSTEM.
21) Despite massive over-consumption of champagne, the drummer is proud to have completed a gig, ACTUALLY RETURNING TO CONCIOUSNESS FOR THE FINAL THIRD.
22) Dangermouse is proud to have had a bride fancy him so much that it ACTUALLY THREATENED THE WEDDING THAT WE WERE PLAYING AT.
23) As a finale, the band are proud to have jumped into a swimming pool ACTUALLY FULL OF WATER.
24) Despite a pub being guarded by three alsations the size of a horse and a clientele consisting exclusively of cage fighters, the band WERE NOT BEATEN UP FOR THEIR CAMPNESS (although, wisely, the sparkly microphone was not used on this occasion).
25) The band have successfully predicted a riot twice, while playing “I PREDICT A RIOT” (fortunately no humans or animals were harmed).
26) Our old guitarist was actually named after a Pope (but really this is an achievement of JPs parents). However, it does mean that the band has God on its side.
27) Mickey once played a bass solo so monumentally loud and inappropriate that the bowels of everyone in the room (and surrounding residences) were simultaneously loosened. He claims he “hit the wrong pedal” but we know he was just trying to express himself musically.
28) Mighty Mouse (JP) actually turned up at a gig with a wooden wishing well on the passenger seat of his car. This was odd as Speedy had wished that evening that he would turn up with a wishing well on the front seat of his car (the moral of this being, be careful what you wish for…)
29) Mickey Cheddar was “persued” at a gig by a lady, until it became apparent by his ring he was already betrothed, whereupon he was dropped like a stone. The lady was of mature years (as is Mickey) and he is now not wearing rings to gigs, to maximise his future chances. With women throwing themselves at Dangermouse at every gig, and Jerry catching the ladies’ eyes, only Speedy the drummer remains pure and celibate.
30) JP has also been “persued by a lady” WHILST NOT ACTUALLY BEING AT THE GIG, the lady in question asking “where the nice young man is”…
31) Mickey Cheddar interrupted a charity gig raffle by accidentally (so he says) setting off a fire alarm by leaning against the breakglass, QUICKLY BLAMING AN INNOCENT SPEEDY GONZALES FOR PUSHING HIM. The raffle continued (via the gift of shouting) through the 20 minute alarm. The band believes this was a ploy by Mickey to evacuate the hall while he helped himself to the good prizes.
32) JP gave four young ladies dressed as Power Rangers across a field despite there only being 2 FREE SEATS IN HIS VEHICLE. Double-stacked, it was apparently quite a squeeze). Mickey Cheddar was extremely upset to have missed out on this once in a lifetime opportunity.
33) Speedy the drummer was recently told by a YOUNG female event organiser that he was (and I quote) “her favourite”. This was a real achievement as this usually only happens with ladies aged 80 plus (in which case, they are putty in his hands). He puts it down to the snazzy shirt he was wearing, which exuded the air of a high-rolling Las Vegas gambler. He will now be wearing his “lucky shirt” to all future gigs.
To end, we would like to quote a famous poet, encapsulating what we all feel about the our musical journey…
So I said thank you for the music
The song we’re singing
Thanks for all the joy we’re bringing
Who can live without it
I ask in all honesty
What would life be
Without a song or a dance
What are we
So I said thank you for the music
For giving it to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.